Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Green Eyed Monster

We have had a visit from the Green-Eyed monster.  Jealousy, envy, and even rage are upon us, and I don't mean my kiddo. I am the guilty party. 

We just passed the holiday season, a season that is supposed to be about thankfulness and celebrating the blessings in our lives. I confess - I have failed miserably.   Truthfully, the holiday season was brutal. My daughter has little tolerance for groups of people and a lot of noise.  At the Christmas get together with family,  she actually put herself to bed at my sister's house.  Not in a quiet, slipping gracefully away kind of way, but a very dramatic, the whole world must know how disappointed I am kind of way.  Ditto for new year's eve, at our own house, with her friends in attendance.  It pains me to see her suffering.  She gets so anxious before any event that it consumes her mind.  She was one step away from a full on panic attack when our guests were late.  It makes it very hard.  I have an amazing extended family and they are all understanding, but it still robs me.  Watching my nieces who are two years younger; reading my friend's facebook post about her daughter's  'A' on a math test; these are the things that set me off.

My heart really aches when I see other moms barking at their kids for the silliest, stupid stuff.  Don't they realize how blessed they truly are.    Can't they understand that the issues they are bitching about are so pointless.

Jealousy is ugly, but it is so hard to sit here at the end of a really stressful day at work, in the middle of fighting a fight I don't want with the special school district, dealing with a kid who won't stop kicking the table or screeching in her high voice. I would love to snap at her, but I have learned long ago that is just makes matters worse.  The fastest way to a meltdown is for me to raise my voice. Sometimes I just want to scream, or vent.  I suppose that is exactly what I am doing here.

I don't want to be this way, so in an attempt to evict this green eyed monster, I have decided to turn my thoughts to things I am thankful for:

- My daughter is very easy to put to bed. When she is tired, it is pajamas, teeth, bathroom, story, bed, and out like a light. Sometimes she only does the last part.

- My daughter loves broccoli and she eats all that other uber healthy stuff with very little complaint.

- My daughter likes to follow rules.

- She lets me chose her clothes.

-  My daughter is not shy. She has her own special charms. The other day we were going through the checkout, and my daughter was up at the front of the cart - talking to the clerk as she always does, outside of my earshot.  I don't know what she said, but when I got up there the clerk told me how unusual my daughter was - and a good sort of unusual.

-  My daughter is never purposefully mean.  Thoughtless sometimes, but never mean.

-  She has no problem taking pills or vitamins.

- My daughter says what is on her mind. A few weeks back, while attending church, my daughter was up at the front during little worship.  The pastor, after discussing what Christmas is really about, asked if we follow man's will, or God's will.  Apparently my daughter did not like the choices as she announced with much conviction "Santa's". She got a chuckle from the congregation, and the pastor- calling her by name, spoke of his delight. 

-  She knows everyone, or is determined to. We were at the post office sending out some xmas packages, and my kiddo gave the postal clerk a little grilling " Do you remember me? I was in here last week?"  She fully expects people to know her, and she gets results.

-  She always knows where I parked the car, and can always tell if I am about to make a wrong turn.

-  I never need to drag her out of bed, and she never makes me late.

-  She has made me a better person (mother) and enabled me to see what is important.

-  She loves me. . . .  enough said!

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